Sunday, 31 October 2010

A much more pleasant list of things I love.

Being exactly the right temperature.


Reading a book that you can't put down.

Getting new shoes.

Roses, and anything that has a rose on or in it.

The Beatles.

Having a cuddle, a proper embrace as opposed to a one-armed, half-arsed slap on the back.

People stroking my hair.

Finding a cheap, well fitted, pretty dress. (That doesn't happen very often.)

Earl grey. And Earl Grey biscuits!

The summer. In particular, hot weather.


Cranberry based cocktails.


Colourful bracelets.

Buster, one of my nan's cats. He only has about 40% vision, so he always has his eyes wide open, like a kitten. He's the most gentle, quiet cat in the world and I absolutely love him to bits.

Little animals in general. And big ones, actually.


Getting my makeup right the first time.

Clean bedsheets.

Having a tidy room.

People making me laugh by telling really shit jokes.

The film Across The Universe.

Chanel Chance and ALL of the Ghost perfumes.

Soap and Glory.

The Simpsons.

Strawberry wine.


Having somebody really pretty, tell you that you look pretty.

Being able to play something new on the piano.

Getting a sweet text.

Ducks and penguins. I already said animals, didn't I...

Someone laughing at me (but not actually AT me).

Herbal Essences.

Anything from The Body Shop.

My boyfriend.

My family.

Here's a giant list of things I hate.

Half a tub of wax being smeared all over your hair. (cheers Glen.)

People stealing your chocolate.

Smelling like play-doh.

Lower back pain.

Chest pain.

In fact, to save time, any kind of pain or ache.

People who call Rosé, Ro-SAY, when it's RO-say.

People waving money at you to get you to serve them quicker.

Buses and bus drivers, all of them, forever.

Spilling things down your front.

Not being able to find something in your bag when you know it's in there. Especially a ringing phone or a bus pass when you're about to get on the bus.

Bad grammar and spelling. Especially when people create a new word altogether as an attempt to save time (supposedly). For example - 'kl', 'yer', 'kk', 'gdgd' etc. Also - 'hehe' is NOT a word. It's 'hee-hee', if anything and even that's retarded.

Oh, and it's 'can't be arsed', not 'can't be asked', although that actually makes more sense. But still, that's what it is.

Shaving your legs, then the hairs growing back as soon as you get goosebumps.

Being ignored.

People not texting back, when you know they've read the text. (I guess that ties in with the above.)

Knowing people think you're weird or rude or something, but never saying it to your face.

Really busy nights at work, where you can never get on top of it no matter how fast you go.

Hitting your head. I just did. Ow.

Splitting your nails.

Accidentally catching your nail on a razor.

Anything painful or squeamish that involves nails or eyes.

Eyelashes falling out.


Greasy fringes.

People snoring.

Feeling sick, and being sick.

Being so tired you have no idea what you're thinking or doing.

Early mornings.

Cold tea.

Cold showers.

Cold weather.

Being chubby.

People bumping into you, then not saying sorry, even though you've said sorry out of habit and politeness.

People with no manners.


Crumbs in bed.


The internet not working.


The following smells: mould, vomit, stale beer and dirty dishwashers.

Having an incessant tickly cough.

Plucking my eyebrows.

Losing money.

Not being able to sleep.

Being shouted at.

Realising you've written an entire list of things you hate, using inconsistent tenses.

Sunday, 17 October 2010


It's 3.04 AM on a Sunday and I really ought to be asleep by now. However, I'm not, for the following reasons:

- I've eaten way too much sugar
- John will not stop snoring or grinding his teeth, and -
- I didn't get up till half past 2. Fail.

How the hell do you break a rubbish sleeping pattern? I'm not lazy. Ok, I am. But not in a sense that I just can't be bothered to get up and do something with my day. I just literally CANNOT wake up in the mornings. I set my alarm for 10am every day (10!! 10am!! Who even needs to set an alarm for 10am!! Most would consider that a generous lie-in) - but I either don't hear it or turn it off while I'm only about 2% awake. I then generally wake up 2 hours later feeling like a train has been dropped on my head and I had a bottle of night nurse with my dinner the night before. I don't understand it.

Lucky for me I don't start work until 2pm most days.

This sleeping (or lack thereof) lark is a vicious circle. I don't wake up until midday. So then I can't fall asleep until 4am. Or I fall asleep at midnight, then wake back up at 4, and don't fall asleep again until 8am. So then I wake up again at midday having tried to salvage a full 8 hours sleep. So then I don't fall asleep until.... zzzzz. (Not.)

Nothing works.
I have tried Kalms (make you tired ALL the time)
Camomile tea (not keen on the taste, end up replacing with normal tea which is full of caffeine)
Reading (If it's a book worth reading, then you'll bloody stay and up read it, won't you?)
Counting sheep (do one)
Eating a tonne of cheese (does nothing to help you sleep but makes your dreams really fucking cool)
Radox (it just... doesn't work...)
Hot milk (gives me a stomach ache)
and... Alcohol (which doesn't bode well for NOT feeling like a train has been dropped on your head the following morning.)

Blogging isn't exactly helping either, funnily enough.

I'm yawning now. But that doesn't mean anything.

Tips, please...

Lessons Learnt

...This week, and in life generally.

- Don't leave your belongings where opportunists and light-fingered dickheads might be able to find and take them.

- Don't trust anyone, with anything.

- Try not to combine a habit of extreme clumsiness with 15 cups of punch and a pair of heels.

- If you like clear skin and a flat tummy, not eating 4 bars of chocolate a day might help.

- Your fake nails will turn the colour of any food you hold in your hands. Lime jelly for instance. It's not a good look and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

- Tea, despite the lack of wow factor taste-wise, is still the best drink in the world.

- Don't wear hold-ups to work in case a cheeky git with a camera follows you up the stairs.

- Don't wear white shoes to work unless you didn't like them white.

- Don't wear any item of clothing to work that you consider a valuable item.

- Don't vent your anger to anybody, for fear of upsetting or annoying them. Instead, bottle it up and laugh, and wait for it to develop into a tumor/mental breakdown.

- Don't eat your boyfriend's Haribo right before bed then expect a good night's sleep.

Saturday, 9 October 2010


Hold me daaaaaahn... all the world's asleeeeeep. I need ya noooooow, you knocked me off ma feeeeeeet. I dream of yooooou, and we talk of growin oooooold. But you said, please don't.

Slaaaaiiide in baby...


Why can't I sleep?

Is It Possible...

... for a boy to act his age?

for a bus to run on time? (I'm a little hung up on buses.)

for something to still be there 10 minutes after I've put it down?

to not drop my keys everytime I try and put them in the front door?

to go blonde, having very dark features and not look stupid?

to keep a room tidy?

to simply stop wanting something you know you'll never get?

to stop eating cheese?

to lose a spare tyre but keep...up top?

to stop jigging my leg?

to smell nice 24/7?

to stop daydreaming, ever?

to get this song out of my head?

to stop waiting for an imaginary event?

Seems not.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

About 6 months gone with a child of cheddar

Sometimes, when I'm bored or fat, I like asking people this question -
'If there was a pill you could take, instead of eating, like a supplement once a day, would you take that instead?'

It surprises me, the amount of people that reply yes.

I read a quote once, I won't pretend to know who said it, and it was something like 'One of the very best things in life is that whatever you're doing, no matter how important, you must always stop and take time to eat'. HOW VERY TRUE.

Eating (next to sleeping) is one of my favourite hobbies, ever. (It's at this point that I look down and realise I've spilt sweet chilli sauce on my tshirt.) The cooking and preparing of it I'm not so keen on, but luckily I have been blessed with thoughtful and creative parents who don't mind making it for me, and a boyfriend who makes a pretty decent cheese toastie.

You have to eat to live, durr. But what I love is the variety of it all. It's a necessity, but it can be as simple - or as extravagant - as you want it to be. Take a jacket potato for instace - plain (boring, but healthy)..., baked beans, whatever, or how I'd eat it, which is loaded with butter, salt, pepper, and prawns. It's a heart attack on a plate but oh my god, it's so tasty. You can keep it casual or dress it up and eat the whore out of it. Mmmm. It's also a sociable thing - for many people the only time they get to sit down and talk to their family or partner etc. John pretty much lives on a diet of cheese, bread, sausage rolls and haribo (and still manages to stay skinny - bastard) but I will literally eat anything edible... with the exception of ravioli, and meat. But not fish. I am allowed to eat fish because I'm a hypocrite.

Anyway, last year, working at the pub full-time, I had some quite moronic punters (men... of course) asking if I was pregnant. And in fact, getting quite irate when I had the cheek to be offended and put them straight. At the time I was re-assured with comments such as 'It's the top you're wearing' or 'if you stood up straight, your tummy would be naturally flat'. This is bull-SHIT. Looking down now, there's definitely a bit of a bump there. Fortunately, I now don't care at all.
I spent all this past summer trying to diet for our holiday to Fuerteventura (incidentally, I didn't really lose any weight until arriving there and getting a stomach bug). It was pointless, all it did was make me grouchy and tired. At the end of the day, if eating a massive lump of cheese makes me happy, I might as well eat it. There's always that exercise bike in the front room if I get really desperate.

I read an interesting article in a magazine the other day. It was of a quite chavvy looking girl arguing her point against your 5-a-day, saying that life is short and there's no time for salad - she pretty much was living on kebabs and chips. Well, she weighed about 9 stone. It's alright for her then innit, lucky fast-metabolism-having COW. I like vegetables anyway. But you know... next to a pizza or in my halloumi and mushroom wrap at Nando's.

Or strawberries covered in chocolate.

For now I think I'll just check out the maternity range at Topshop and when people ask when my baby's due, just reply - 'Oh, I'm just really fat'. That seems to make them squirm.


Friday, 1 October 2010


Just shut up now. You're starting to get on my nerves.

Facebook is a social network, not your diary. Some of the things you're updating your status with are making me really cringe. I know I could just block you but you'd notice, probably. I'm just REALLY fighting the urge to write, 'NOBODY CARES...' underneath it.

I do post my own load of irrelevant BS on facebook, yes, but there's a big difference between boring/ unimaginative, and too personal and to be honest, downright rude. And vain.

Would you call this bitching? I'd call it venting.... before I end up telling you, to your face, what I really think of the way you talk to me, to other people, to your entire list of facebook friends. And I don't want it to come to that.

All I seem to do is vent. I'll post a pleasant blog one of these days.

The Beatles are cheering me up a bit.

Coffee rant

I've been left on my own in the office...

I started 2 posts earlier and deleted them both, because I could feel the people behind me reading over my shoulder (they'd have to have amazing long-distance vision, but that's possible) and it all sounded stooooopid.

Can't even remember what I was talking about any more.

I was rambling on a load of drivel about being angry all the time. I never finished that. I'll post it later on, so you all have that to look forward to. :/

To be honest I only started writing to vent about the fact that all my friends have up and left Southend for one reason or another. 2 of them have done the clever thing and gone off to uni... in fact, the other moved back to Braintree, so they've all done the clever thing really and got away from this helllllhole of a town. It's really shite, isn't it? The more time I spend here, the more I grow to hate it. The palm trees they've planted by the college make me laugh; that really isn't going to make the slightest bit of difference to the town's reputation. And that accomodation building is HORRIBLE.

In the summer, John and I cycled into town to have breakfast, but it was a wee bit of a waste of time. We ended up in the Last Post, eating brunch (that they specially made vegetarian, on a one-off basis, just for me, ain't I lucky), and quite frankly, I could have done a better job at home, but anyway, that's not the point - the point is, why is a Wetherspoons the only place you can go and eat a cooked breakfast?! Why are there a million coffee shops and a little bunch of chain restuarants, not even very nice ones, but so few authentic little tea shops and cafés? What kind of a town needs two starbucks, one is too many. And two Costas. And a Cafe Nero - across the road from fucking Starbucks.

I did go to Costa like, last week. But only because I wanted a chocolate tiffin.

Where my grandparents live in southern Ireland there are so many cute, one-off tea rooms, restuarants, pubs and delis. And people over there are NICE. They say hello to you in the street. I don't think there is such a thing as an Irish chav. On Wednesdays, they sell puppies and assortments of cheeses and jewlery and stuff. It's nothing like the german market that comes to Southend, it's GOOD. Last time we went in the summer, I didn't want to leave.

Southend needs CULTURE!!

That is all.

I'm going to lunch. Somewhere that isn't a coffee shop.