Sunday, 24 April 2011

Chinese Whispers

He said, that you said, she was lying, but she didn't really mean it, but then she said to me something completely different. She said, that you said he'd said I was a liar. Then I said, why bother lying, when I know you're a liar and she lied and said I never said that. I got a completely different story, she said something about you that didn't add up now she's annoyed that I've told you what she said and what she heard from him, that apparently I told him but I never. No no, that was it, she said you were making the whole thing up because you're two faced and apparently that's not what you told her, and she said she told you what really happened and you said you wouldn't tell anyone and now everyone knows. Oh no hold on, I never said anything to her, she's just saying that to get back at me.... I NEVER SAID ANYTHING OF THE SORT... IT'S ALL COME FROM HIM, HE'S JUST SAYING THAT TO GET YOU ON HIS SIDE BECAUSE HE HATES ME, AND IT'S ALL A GAME TO MAKE HER THINK WE'VE SAID THINGS WE HAVEN'T AND NO ONE BELIEVES HER ANYWAY BECAUSE SHE'S TWO FACED, I MEAN YOU'RE TWO FACED, NO NO HOLD ON I REMEMBER WHAT I SAID NOW, ANYWAY SHE UPDATED HER STATUS AND IT'S OBVIOUSLY ABOUT ME AND YOU, OR JUST YOU, BECAUSE YOU'VE ANNOYED HER BY WHAT YOU SAID TO ME WHICH I TOLD HER CAUSE SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW, CAUSE I'M HER BEST MATE, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, I KNOW SHE SAID IT TO YOU AS WELL BUT SHE WAS LYING ABOUT THAT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER BECAUSE SHE'S A LYING LITTLE BITCH, I MEAN I LOVE HER DEARLY BUT MY GOD SHE'S A PAIN IN THE ARSE, NOT AS BAD AS HIM THOUGH I CAN'T BLOODY STAND HIM, EXCEPT WHEN HE'S ALRIGHT, THEN HE'S ALRIGHT.

Why don't we all just get over it and have a nice cup of tea.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

6 months gone with a child of cheddar pt 2; or What Did You Just Call Me?!

Fairly laid-back Sunday night - was sort of enjoying myself, watching pissed punters singing along to the worst rendition of 'Walking On The Moon' I've ever heard, drinking port and lemonade and not bothering to collect any glasses. Then with classic poo timing, just as I'm about to go and cash up (note: full concentration required while I gather up all the notes from underneath the till) - some staggering, heavy-set gentleman in a stupid hat wanders up and asks 'How long you got left, love?'
- 'Just about to close the bar, mate.'
'No, I meant...' (makes pregnant-style gesture with hands)
'Pardon?' 'Thought I saw a bit of a bump there'

Oh, this shit again.

'No mate, I'm just really fat'.
'Er... er... what can I say, I like the bigger woman' (winking horribly).

Dad, having heard me strop off with the till:
'When's your fucking baby due then, fat boy?' Yeah, have that, you clueless (insert alliterative swear here).

Of course, the offender in question then, by way of redeeming himself, pretends he thought I was dad's girlfriend and heard I was pregnant. Oh, you mean Fi, the tall, slender, blonde-haired barmaid? Yeah right.

Just wondering why some people think it's alright to insult someone like this? And, lets be honest, it is a piss-take, not a genuine enquiry. You'd have to be pretty certain someone was actually having a baby to ask when they're due to drop. Yes, I am quite chubby and I do have a spare tyre but jesus christ, I wouldn't dream of asking an 18 stone woman when she was due unless I was 100% sure.

Besides which, you're the one sitting in a pub at midnight, on your own, drinking pint after pint of shite lager, all of which is going to your not exactly shrinking middle. Do one, and don't you dare speak to me like that again, especially in my condition ;)