Saturday, 29 January 2011


Fed up of having chest pain

Fed up of being ignored and interrupted

Fed up of looking and feeling tired 24/7

Fed up of feeling like I have no friends

Fed up of the tiniest bit of alcohol making me feel sick

Fed up of living in a dead town with nothing to do at the weekends

Fed up of having a spare tyre

Fed up of dieting

Fed up of being forgetful and clumsy

Fed up of not being able to sleep

Fed up of being in a rush all the time

Fed up of work

Fed up of losing all my belongings

Fed up of scaring myself thinking the worlds going to end

Fed up of not being able to drive yet

Fed up of getting up at midday

Fed up of being in a constant bad mood

Fed up of everything.

Monday, 24 January 2011

I might lose my mind for a while, but I'll be fine.

Have you heard, there's this thing that heals, and it's called time?

Do you ever get this achey, heavy feeling in your chest?
I get it a lot. Things that tend to bring it more than most are nostalgia, anxiety and heartbreak (obviously).

The first - nostalgia - you can't help. I get it when listening to songs that remind me of growing up. Significant events, like birthdays, leaving school, your first kiss, holidays, starting a new job, meeting new friends, etc., always have a song attached to the memory; usually whatever's in the charts at the time, whether you mean for it to stick in your memory bank or not. Don't Look Back In Anger by Oasis reminds me of primary school. Electric Feel by MGMT reminds me of meeting John. That's how you get 'your' song. Listening to those songs again can make you feel all sorts of different things and remind you of how things were at that period in your life. That's why I get chest ache - it reminds me that I was happy then, happier than I am now. Although; you never realise quite how happy you are until you see it in hindsight.
I thought 2008 was the worst year of my life, until 2009. Looking back, it was brilliant. I feel the same about 2010 now. I'll feel the same about 2011 next year, hopefully.

A new year always brings out the creative side I wish I had in me.
A side that wants to learn to play Maple Leaf Rag on piano, make new curtains from my room and go to Jive lessons.

None of those things happen because I just sit and daydream about doing it, instead of actually doing anything. I always kid myself that I don't have the time to do it, when what I really mean is... I sit on my arse and think about really scary, weird things for hours. Then I fall asleep at 4am, and wake up at midday, cursing myself for not hearing my alarm go off at 10. That's why I never have time. I spend all my time getting ready to go to work.

So my question is - how do you turn off your brain and get the motivation to make something of your life? So, instead of regretting never doing all the things you wanted to do, you can reminisce and get the chest ache because you miss doing the things you actually wanted to do. And when you're 80, not next year.

I'm going on the exercise bike... right now.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Odds and sods//Miscellany//The stuff you might have missed

Most people have an obsession of some kind. It might be of a celebrity, or a hideous brand of cheap stuffed toy or something. Or food.

I am obsessed with roses. Pink ones mainly, but they're all lovely. Whilst writing this, I am wearing a headband with roses on, underwear with roses on, earrings with roses on, a ring with a rose on. I have Dove Wild Rose deodrant on, as well as Paul Smith's Rose perfume. I was also thinking about getting another tattoo of a rose chain around my ankle; I already have a rose fairy on my back. I have a string of rose fairy lights around my bedframe. My... name is Rosie.

Still better that than say, the drummer from Coldplay. Or Tito Jackson.

I'm beginning to hate going out. I'm not sure if it's the people or the drugs or the music or the fact that I'm apparently 50 years old. But whatever it is, I feel awkward and out of place.

Just to go into a bit more detail here...

I am always awkward. I stand awkward and wear awkward fitting clothes. When I meet new people I never know what to say, end up laughing at things that aren't funny and being deadpan at things that are. I'm also extremely clumsy and have the grace, poise and style of an elephant running for a bus. And the elephant was holding a bag, dropped the bag and everything went flying out of it, including sanitary towels. And everyone saw. That's what I'm like.

Sometimes I write things on people's status's or photos on facebook, things that I think are funny or witty, and mostly everyone ignores me or replies 'what the hell?'

My new favourite tea = lavender, oat and lime.

Since Christmas I own approximately 40 pairs of shoes and still only wear about 3 pairs.

9 out of 10 times I will have chest pain or tummy ache. Right now it's chest pain. I don't know what brings it on but I can normally get rid of it with the tartan sack.

I blow up easily, but calm down easily. After a bit. And once I've eaten.