Earlier today, my dad said that when you're angry, it's the best time to write. He was talking about writing songs, but he's correct - I have found it much easier to make note or ramble incessantly about rubbish when in a foul mood. Normally it's abusive letters to Arriva, but thankfully I haven't had to get on a bus for a few days now. So I'll let the blog bear the brunt of my anger; not that I expect anyone to read this shite (other than my mum, maybe), it's just easier, and slightly less nerdy, to type rather than scribble it all down in a diary.
Except that I'm not really angry any more, just slightly put out and have the minor hump - in a 'oh, bloody hell', exasperated kind of way. I can't be bothered to be angry, it proper takes it out of you sometimes.
I have a problem with my temper. I'm like a bitter old man. And it's inconsistent too - one minute I'll be fine, the next I'm inconsolable with rage, usually over something tiny. A few examples of why I get so annoyed are:
BUSES. I spend at least 60% of life hating them and their drivers for the following reasons: being late, not turning up at all, being early but not stopping and waiting at my bus stop (unless I'm on the bus and in a hurry and it's any stop EXCEPT mine), not having change for, say, a fiver, being unnecessarily moody, kicking me off the bus for having the cheek to tell them they're late, telling me they're going past the elms then turning off at the broadway thus adding 15 minutes to my journey home in the cold and I already needed a wee, etc. I realise I've written about buses in almost all of my blogs (except the one about things I love) - but this just proves how useless they are, surely. I used to think trains were alright, but now I hate them n'all since I went by train to Brighton and the whole journey took me 5 and a half hours instead of the usual 2 and a half. I so badly need to get my car off the drive.
Technology in general. I hate to sound like my dad here... but it just frustrates the hell out of me. My tiny little HP notepad that I'm writing from now is quite sweet and well-behaved really, it's more phones I can't stand. It's more that they can't keep up with me, not the other way round. On my phone, if you turn it to silent, it also turns the alarm to silent. Because that's useful - doesn't everyone wish they had a silent alarm?! There's no way of changing it, so now I have to leave it on loud and get woken up by drunken morons at 4 in the morning asking for solutions on how to get home and such. It also doesn't understand any word with an apostrophe, S - "Mum's", "John's", etc. It instead offers me the word "Mum.p". Oh yes, that's the one. That's definitely a word. Then if you challenge it, it goes, "Spell?", as if to say "Well, I'm stumped now. Go ahead and add whatever made-up word you want, love - it's (sorry, it.p) your phone. You idiot." Not using Dictionary is not an option for me, that frustrates me in itself, so I'm stuck with it. It's quite funny though, when you go to add a word to the dictionary, and it puts it in quotation marks like so - " 'floaty' - now added to dictionary". It's even funnier when it's a swear word.
Oh, and it also likes to go "This would be sent by 4 SMS, OK?" like a real person would.
Other, less trivial reasons and ones that I really can't let go of are things like being interrupted. EVERYONE interrupts me. Apparently it's just the done thing now, and it's not rudeness, just a way of joining in with the conversation, but actually it's not. It's just rude - it means you couldn't care less about whatever it is the person you're speaking to is saying, because you have something better or more important to say. I hate it, and I can't believe so many people HAVEN'T picked up how much it annoys me when they do it.
I also get angry at myself a lot, for not being happy with who I am and constantly wanting to change and better myself. Which isn't always a bad thing I guess. But more often that not I want to be like other people, for example... I'll feel ok about what I'm wearing, then see someone else wearing a lovely dress or really good makeup and instantly feel shit about myself, rather than thinking 'oh that looks nice, maybe I'll try that'. Another thing that really gets on my nerves is when I think that other people ignore me, think I'm an idiot, or childish, or not in the same league as them. I always feel like the outsider, not quite on the same page as anyone, really. I never fully agree with what most people have opinions on, but pretend I do just to keep the peace. I feel like people laugh behind my back about what I say and do, or basically just forget I've said anything at all. I want to be able to trust people but a lot of what some of my friends say doesn't stay secret for very long.
Lastly, I get angry for not doing all the things I promised myself I would. Like learn more on the piano, or learn to play bass and drums. Losing weight, - although I'm stuffing my face with Lindor chocolates whilst writing this - clearing out my room, buying clothes that fit and suit me, making things like cushions and bags, setting up a savings account, etc etc. I have to be pushed to do anything, but most of all, I hate not being independent. That doesn't make a lot of sense, really.
Oh and one more thing - I have been wearing liquid eyeliner for 4 years now, and suddenly, I can't put it on without smudging it. THAT makes me angry.
See, I feel better now. :)