Thursday, 10 February 2011

Draft Letter To Heart Radio...

Dear Presenters & Broadcasting team at Heart Radio,

The other day at work, my colleague did me the nicest favour.
He didn't make me a cup of tea (he never does), print off any documents or pick up some lunch for me...
He changed the radio station from 102.6 to 105.1 (Southend Radio).

The only reason this hadn't been done months ago is because for a while, Heart was the only station we could receive. Our choices were to spend hours fiddling with the radio trying to find a half decent reception for radio 1, 2 or even 4 (I won't get started on 3), or sit in silence listening to the clock ticking. Heart was really the only option.

At first I was more than content with this arrangement. Having Heart on in the background put a positive and easy-going spin on an otherwise dreary, dull day. However, after a couple of months of tolerating your unbeliveably non-varied and extremely cringeworthy playlist, I'm now ready to rip the radio out of the socket and hurl it out of the window without opening it first and hopefully through my boss' car windsheild... and/or hack off both my ears with a knife and send them to you by post with a complimentary slip attached reading: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! written in my own blood.

Your daily selection of songs is so incredibly boring and ridiculous that, if they represented the musical tastes of a woman who, after a date, has taken her date home and put on a CD, the date would have climbed out the window of the bathroom while she'd gone to slip into something more comfortable. Even if the woman was really hot.

At my workplace, the average age is between 20 and 70. Pretty varied, so you'd think there'd be someone your playlist would appeal to. As it is, I'd be willing to bet that, even at volume 2, your station is the reason staff morale is at an all-time low and more than 4 people have left in the past 6 months. I would like to point out that there are only 7 people in our office.

I understand that some songs can be justified as 'timeless', and that, being only 20 years old I may have no concept of what was considered popular music before 1990 but I like to imagine I have quite an eclectic taste in music, from all eras and genres. I'm afraid to say that your slogan, 'More Music Variety' is an absolute load of shit. Your station is the equivalent of the waste bucket we use for dead pints and stuff that's gone off at the bar I also work part-time at.

I have compiled a list for your attention of songs that I, or anyone that isn't deaf, consider NOT to fall under the following categories: Timeless Classics, In the Charts, A Guilty Pleasure or That Song You Haven't Heard In Ages and Forgot You Loved. These can therefore be deleted from your daily selection:

Michael Bublé - Haven't Met You Yet
JLS - Love You More
Ellie Goulding - Your Song
Ceelo Green - Forget You
Starship - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now
Dirty Dancing - Hungry Eyes
Dirty Dancing - Time of My Life
Ronan Keating - When You Say Nothing At All
Take That - The Flood
Eternal - I Wanna Be The Only One

Who didn't love Ellie Goulding's version of Your Song when it was released? BACK IN NOVEMBER?! And Michael Bublé has released at least another 2 songs since then. I won't even go into the rest of them, as thinking about it has made me quite angry.

If you'd be willing to permanently destroy your copies of the above releases, maybe we could come to some sort of arrangement whereby we give you an hour or so's listening before we go home. As soon as I hear the words 'First day that I saw you... thought you were beautiful...' though, and, like I said, out the window.


Rosie Barrett, Constant Whinger