Fi: Why do people say 'Break a leg' to performers?
Dad: Because it's bad luck to say 'Good luck'.
Fi: So, really, you could say anything except good luck? 'Smash your face in!'
Dad: 'Go fuck yourself!'
Ben (angrily handing me his latte after I changed my mind about not wanting one): There you go. It's got your favourite shit in it.
Harry (overheard): It's NOT 'GU-ETTA'!! GOD!!! (starts punching the sofa)
Me (after making fun of Ben's 'beard': I'm sorry, come here.
Ben: No. Get off. You can shit on a stick and feed it to a goat for all I care.
Me: Look what Ed Tudorpole left behind, Sam! (waving plastic sword in his face)
Sam (hungover): I don't like swords, I don't like fun, I don't enjoy anything.
Me: I can't believe what you said about Penny. (From Big Bang Theory)
Ben (watching Justin Timberlake on telly): Well... you probably fancy him, don't you?
Me: Sort of, yeah.
Ben: Of course you do. He's charming and beautiful.
Harry: If you kill me I'll freaking punch you.
Me (telling a joke): Right, there's this penguin and his car breaks down, so he takes it to the mechanic and -
Alex: How did he get the car there if it was broken?
Me: I don't know, who cares? Anyway -
Alex: Penguins can't even drive.
Me: Do you brush your teeth twice a day, every day?
Daddy Nick: Oh god, yeah. Even when I'm drunk.
Alex: Er, that's operation of motorised equipment...
Dad: I'm not driving the toothbrush home!
(Ben, Lewis, Reece and I listening to Ignition in the car)
Ben/Lewis/Me/R Kelly: Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
Ben: Are you bouncing, Reece?
Reece: Not really, no.
Heather (picking up an avocado out of my fruit bowl): What is this? Is it a big raisin?
Me: I was driving down Essex Way and the car started slowing down massively and the car behind me was getting really angry. But I hadn't changed gear so it was that.
Heather: What's the speed limit down there?
Me: Oh... as fast as you like.
Heather: So... 70, yeah? You know, national speed limit?
Me: Yeah, that's what I meant.